2003-07-05

Crabs and fear

So I passed out on my couch last night after shaking on the floor up stairs for awhile.I think I had another"spasm".

I had many dreams of which I can remember bits and pieces.I remebered one in particular at work today.

I was at a beach somewhere.I've never been to this beach as it looked very unfamiliar,yet in dream world I think it was familiar.You know,there are these worlds that seem to exsist only in dreams.Anyway,I was with some girl,I've never seen her before,or don't remember,I can't quite remember her face,I don't think it's important.I'm pretty sure she just represents"a girl" or possibly even "the girl".She was in the water at the edge,where all the waves were breaking.I was with her and very much liked her.I was having fun and simply trying to enjoy what she was because I just wanted to be with her.Then a large wave came.I was slightly worried that it might catch her by suprise and overpower her,yet at the same time I felt excited,as I often do when I dream of Large waves.Something about Large bodies of water overpowering me and knocking me down always brings a warm child like joy to me.I'm not sure why,but as excited as I was,I was equally worried for her.She wasn't frightened,actually I think she was excited as well.After the wave the area we were in changed.The water became more shallow and we could veiw the bottom.She then said to me"careful,there are alot of crabs coming up from the sand,we couldn't see them before,but now you can see them all"

I started freakin out.I was afraid of what I could now see,and the fact that they were always there scared me as well.I quickly got out of the water but so much wanted to stay in with her,because I loved her and wanted to have fun with her.She said"They won't hurt you,You can just see them now,it's still the same,we can have fun",but as much as I wanted to be beside her again,I couldn't bring myself to get back in the water.I was too afraid.It made me very very depressed and I was being torn between wanting to be with someone I loved and horrible fear.Unfortunately it seemed fear was winning.

This scene faded away,or I walked away,as she vanished.

Then the dream changed.

I was with my grandmother I think,or another family member,and there was panic everywhere.I think we were in the city in a building.All I remember is that things just started exploding.Nuclear plants I think.

I remember a large bridge being destroyed and wondering how we could hide from all the devistation,and what things would be like now.

I often have these dreams of armagedon.They creep me out a little.

I'm not quite sure what the second dream meant,but I have an idea of the first ones meaning,if it has any.

We all have fear,too much fear.It constantly keeps us from doing alot of things that could bring us joy,but we simply can't see it.

I hate it.I have so much fear in me,and I know it clouds my vision and keeps me from happiness.

I want to change so much.I want to be happy.I'm tired of being afraid to take chances simply because I'm afraid of what might happen.Maybe it will go wrong.Maybe nothing will work out the way we dreamed it would,but we will never know if we avoid it because of fear,and we will always have this empty void in us,eating away at what could have been,but we were too afraid to try.

By the way ,Jason,just in case you were going to try to interpret my dream at all,No,the crabs do not represent me being gay!,or me running away from gayness.Also the explosions do not emphasize the gayness,and I am not superhero gay.!!!

10:32 p.m. . by Timm Jumper