2003-03-09
This is rather depressing,sorry
Well,I'm still here in this basement.It's hard to leave someplace,even if you are usually depressed.Oddly enough that seems harder sometimes,because with depression usually comes loss of hope and acceptance.We get attached to what we hate simply because it's all we really know,or think we can ever do.Fear,fear of moving on,of becoming responsible in the slightest.No more having think taken care of,no more relying on others to "handle" all those annoying yet essential tasks of living comfortably.
I need to move on,take care of myself for once,try to steer this wreckage in another direction.
I'm excited about all the new changes,living with a friend,and somewhat taking care of my own life instead of leaching off my mother.Yet,this is all I've ever known.it dosen't justify it in the slightest,and I feel like a child,but I've grown so acustom to it,I take all for grantit.
I'm in a bad mood lately,just still tired and lack any ambition,or clearly see reason for it.
Still ,I will try and change.Try and ignore this annoying fear of responsiblity and grow up a little.
That is if my kidneys don't fail in the next week or so,or my inards don't finally give out after so much neglect and ignorant abuse.
I remember once when I was 16 I was really upset over a bad breakup with this girl I thought was my world.My uncle saw me and gave me what I suppose was his way of giving advice or his twisted way of comforting me.He said"Got dumped huh?,well life gets alot worse"
It didn't help ,but it made me gice a faint smile at his honesty,instead of all the bull-shit half ass comfort others were trying to give me,and you know what?,he was right.It always gets worse so I guess try not to be too depressed.Save your energy cause you'll defintely need it.
All I can do is accept that and try anyways cause if something good does happen ,I will be wonderfully suprised and maybe I'll smile awhile.
Just live,don't spend to much time on trying to find reason behind all the pain,don't compare your life to those fairytale dramworlds and those sappy Perfect love movies hollywood uses to pull at your heart strings and wallets.
Dreams are great to have,but remeber they are dreams,they are stories,so don't let yourself be crushed when you're forced to veiw the real world.
Goodnight
6:02 a.m. 
by Timm Jumper
