2002-02-21

Something worse?

I guess I'm not doing very well at keeping things up-to-date,or sticking to my new ideas,because I haven't wriitten much in here.Oh well.all I can do is try harder,but I'm not used to openining the chambers of my mind and heart to a public domain.My secrets are usually just that,secrets.

But luckily for you and unfortunately for my liver,I have relaxed myself a little this evening by drinking,(as if it's an uncommon occurence),and in the midst of a drunken haze I've started to remember some things I'd been wanting to share on the topics of love and the absence of,or just simple confusion of the two.

You see for the past couple years I've been pretty much alone,except for the occasional failed relationship,so I've figured something out.I've always thought that it was hard to "force "yourself to love somone,for that is pretty much what I realized I'd been doing.Loneliness and plain physical attraction often take the place of real love,that and the minds little knack of adapting and refusing to accept change,ecspecially for the better.I thought it was hard to make yourself believe you loved someone,that is untill I discovered something alot harder,trying to make yourself not love somone.Why would anyone want to do this,I'm not sure.Maybe because sometimes certain situations are too complicated to let anything happen ,or love is simply out of reach ,and all you can do is dream,wish ,and just reach out as far as your heart will let you and simply watch everything you've ever pictured as perfect stay just out of grasp.

So you try as hard as you can to make yourself do the opposite of what you've been trying to do for so long,not love somone.trying to convince yourself that these thoughts,these gut feelings and weak-knee hopes of something you can't have are simply an obsession,a crush or abnormal fascination with somone you find interesting,and very appealing to the eye.You try ,and try to go just one day without imagining how happy you'd be if the only dream you really care about comes true,or just simply pretend they don't exist.But how could I ever do that.Why would I.How can I ignore a feeling that has pulled at my heart for years?How can I ever even pretend that somone so absolutley wonderful dosen't exist.I can't.I never will.So I guess all I can do is what I have been.I'll always wish that they stay as wonderful as they are ,as beautiful inside,and out as they are.and wish that no matter who they are with,or where they are they they will be truly happy,and be able to deter what they want from what they need.

Then maybe someday ,someday the dream won't seem so far away ,maybe I'll be able to finally reach that star I've for so long simply watched from a distance.Wishing happiness upon.

I've realalized somethings are truly worth waiting for ,and if you really do care about somone ,you will put their happiness above yours,even if it means never reaching that one true dream ,and simply love them with every breath you can possibly mutter ,even if it is never returned.

3:25 a.m. . by Timm Jumper