2002-03-02

Please let this dream be real

Ahh yess,

Once again I find myself floating in a numb state of mind.I try not to think of things that bring me such pain,but can't help to dwell on them.Although I still have much conflict in my head,I find myself actually happy for once.My dreams,and my hopes seem somewhat closer then they have been.I dream alot,for that's all I really can do.When your constantly tired,but your mind never seizes to stop running you do nothing but dream,even while your awake.These dreams confuse me.Some strange,some sad ,and some reflect the one thing you've wished for ,for so long.I think the happy dreams scare me he most,simply because I fear they are just dreams and nothing else.But I've had so many come true ,and can only hope this is another.A dream that the one I've loved for so long has finally returned the feelings that have played at my heart like the strings of a finely tuned orchestra.i'm trying,trying hard to be what I need to be.Not, just for them ,but because I'm so tired of hating myself.hating the empty void and complete lack of inspiration to do anything worthwhile.It's sad to have to rely on pleasing someone else in order to help yourself ,but sometimes thats the only way to do it.I figure ,if I can trick myself into beleiving I'm just doing it for them,I will actually give an honest effort,and change things for the better.But,don't tell me that I'm secretly doing that so I can actually help myself.I don't think I like myself enough to help myself.Shhhhh!Anyway.back to the dreams.I dreamed all sorts of weird things,but the most memorable was that they loved me,they truly loved me the way I loved them .Not the usual "I love you,that's nice ,whatever" dream but they actually said it back and held me.I know I usually try not to wake up ,but this time I had a beautiful reason not to.

If I could have only one dream come true,one intuition,one everlonging wish be granted ,for the rest of my life,I truly know that it would be that.A reason to wake up.A reason to like myself.A reason to give a good goddamn about anything in this seemingly meaningless existense.All the pain,All the coldness and darkness that clouds my life vanishes at even the thought of them.

I must rest now.

I love you more then it is ever possible to show.

4:49 a.m. . by Timm Jumper