2006-04-20
Billy
Happy birthday Hitler!!Ok, with that out of the way, I feel this might get rather depresing.
It's just an uncomprehensible feeling to accept death.
Your mind keeps saying, I should call them, but then there's that, Oh that's right.
I've spent the past couple days in my free time searching though Myspace comments to find any sound information that one of my friends, in which I unfortunately haven't spent much time with the past couple years, has died.
Apparently on Easter commited suicide,( which I'm feeling from what little information I've, read was not completely intentional)
I feel alot of us, being young and stupid feel invincible in a way that we fail to realize the seriousness and reality of drinking heavily and mixing pills in a stupid drunken depression.
I've done stupid shit, and fear have come too close before, but sadly he proved how serious it can be.
I wish I knew more.
I don't see any benefit to wishing and regretting what I should have or could have done.
I wanted to get in touch, but eh, just didn't feel as close as I used to.
People grow into different worlds, and from the rare occasions when I ran into him at work, I wanted to see him, but wasn't sure how our worlds would mix anymore.
It really is a sad sad thing.
He was such a nice guy to me.
Had a sweet, fun , innocence about him that made me smile, and he seemed to really have fun with me so it saddens me immensesly that I was too absorbed in my own shit to make a better attempt at contacting him again.
Not sure if it would have made a difference, and perhaps, as disqusting as it sounds, would have made this much harder to cope with if we did become closer again.
A couple years ago I took him to the beach to my dad's house.
We basically got drunk for 3 days, but I had a recorder with me and documented our drunken adventures, which consisted of sneaking into my grandmas trailer drunk to steal booze, ( all I could find was cooking wine, which I drank), and sneaking into a Holiday Inn and swimming/ pissing in the pool.
Of course Me and Billy documentted everything and then made songs about them, which I made into a musical entitled "Deleware, the musical"
Sadly he has...eh, had..the only exsisting copy.
It's a shame I'd really like to hear his voice again, and I know somewhere amognst computer parts and burnt cd's some files exsist.
I remember him sitting on my bed and laughing hysterically as I'd come up with lyrics and pretty piano music based on a recording of us being drunk.
I'd say "ok sing this man, and he'd try to get it out while laughing.
He loved it so much I had to give him the only copy.I think he was my biggest fan that night. :(
He really was a mild, sweet guy from the times we hung out.
A bit too into the whole "Goth" death depression thing, which is sadly ironic now it would appear.
His website and poems have a morbid, ironically depressing feel now, which I think he would actually like, even get a chuckle out of.
Goddamn it Billy, I'm sorry I didn't make a better attempt to see you again.
I know I made you smile alot, and I'm really sorry I couldn't do it enough to make a fucking difference in the long run, but you made me smile too, even when you burnt down a house with my girlfriend while I was asleep, in an attempt to conjour evil spirits.
It's sad that I chuckled at that while teary eyed just now, but I know it's a joke you'd deffinitely appreciate.
I'm going to take a lesson from this.
I'm going to be alot more careful and realise how dangerous mixing shit can be, sober the fuck up before swallowing shit.
I hope you didn't actually mean it, what happened really hurts those who are left behind, and I hope anyone reading this realises,at least in my opinion, it's a horribely selfish thing to do to those who love you.
Even if it's an accident, to be that fucking reckless.
Fuck I think I finally found your cell number again last night, and I tried to call, how fucking pathetic is that..eh.
I'll miss you and most likely see you in my dreams like everything else that haunts me.
Goobye Billy.
You're are sweetheart in all my memories and I'll miss you very much.
11:25 p.m. 
by Timm Jumper
