2005-12-05

Hmm

I think perhaps awhile back my mind split in half.
I find it very hard at times to balance the two completely different frames.
I feel alot of guilt for what I've desperately tried to convince myself is simply genetic "urge",but something was engrained in me at a young age to push all of it aside.
Those "carnal" thoughts seem to overwhelm me at times and as much as I wish to believe I'm much more then a mammal with an evolutionary tick to continue my species,I simply can't push them out.
That creates too much pointless guilt.
Still, I often wish I could be completely sexless, simply to know how I really feel about people.
Perhaps the appreciation of symetrics would still draw me towards those I consider "pretty", but I feel I'd be much more honest,but with honesty most times comes a harshness that would isolate me even more so.
I'm not quite sure why I'm writing this.I usually stay away from this topic, but it just seemed to overwhelm me tonight.
How do I know who I actually "love" if there is such a thing.
I simply think of somone I say"I love you" to,or who I feel that towards, and imagine if they ceased to be around.
If that thought saddens me, and I would rather see them happy regardless of how I feel,I assume that's it.
I get those feelings confused alot,most likely due to my religous background.
ha ha,I actually cried the first time I had sex because I felt so guilty and ashamed for acting on an urge that I was taught to pray against.
Perhaps I need to discuss this with a "professional".
Or maybe I should stop thinking so much into every feeling I have.
I'm not saying I'm better then all those sex-driven males I have to be around.I notice when I'm attracted to somone, but I've never been one to stare like a starved wolf or slap my co-worker on the arm and spit out some inuendo.
At most I'll smile and confess"She's very pretty"
It's just difficult sometimes dealing with myself when I feel something influencing me towards something I know I'd be ashamed of.
Nobody in particular brought these thoughts on, nor was it a specific incident,just tired, late night thinking.
So off to bed I go to dream pointless dreams and judge myself to sleep.
Much love to those who understand me and still love me despite my constant insanities.

1:56 a.m. . by Timm Jumper