2003-07-15
:(
I really don't know what to say right now.I feel in a way,obligated to write,since alot has changed for me,or in my mind at least.I really didn't want to write anything because it would just be too damn depressing,but I guess you are all used to that by now.Not like it's a suprise that I would be upset.
Afterall I am "crushed with depression" as somone close to me once wrote.
You can spend years upon years,chasing a dream,wanting something so badly it blinds you from reality.
I guess deep down you know that it is simply a dream,but stubborness,denial,and obsession won't ever seem to let you accept that.
Images get built up in our minds.Things become more then what they are,reality becomes a fantasy.
Eventually all dreams must die.Eventually you must hit the hard wall of truth and suffer a horrible concusion that you always knew would be there,yet refused to prepare yourself for the impact.
I think I might have prepared in a way.
I'm not naive,or stupid,just stubborn and heart broken.
I'm so sorry.I really don't mean to ever hurt anyone I love.
I'm just stuck,and have been for awhile.
I'm sorry for what I do,and what I will do.Not directly towards anyone,please remeber that,just what I do to myself.
All things must heal in time.
The only thing I have any faith left in is change.The fact that everything will eventually change.Even if I don't want it to.
It will and it must.
I want those I love to be happy,and if my selfish depression ,and self torment get in the way,I really do apologize,It's just something I'll need to work thru.
:( I fucking hate this so much.Send me a hug please!
10:49 p.m. 
by Timm Jumper
